I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I believe in your delicious
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
