Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Sorry about my life...
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
