Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
