Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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