The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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