Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
