Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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