I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
