Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
