When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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