I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
