On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
