for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Randomize
