1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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