ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
