I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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