1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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