Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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