Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
