so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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