Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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