Just fell off a train. Bad.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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