babies were throwing up all over the place
We need to rekindle our bromance
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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