Only a mothe r could love this liver
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
