The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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