At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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