when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
