If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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