I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
