I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
