tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
