In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Randomize
