The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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