i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
