If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
