Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
