i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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