This is not my ceiling
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
