Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
