I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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