yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
