Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
