I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
