I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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