Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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