Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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