went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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