Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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