Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
