Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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