Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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